It’s been about a year since I last posted to my blog, although funny how it takes something to happen for me to put my fingers to the keyboard and start typing. I’ve been talking a lot with my other half about how to process grief and making sure to take the time to do so. I haven’t always been the best at carving out time to do this because let’s face it, sometimes it’s just easier to put in that compartment in your brain/heart/soul and close the door.
I think over my years of being a volunteer at Canuck Place Children’s Hospice and constantly being surrounded by so many wonderful children and their families, it sort of prepped you in a way to deal with grief and loss. In some ways it just kind of became normal and something that us volunteers experienced on a regular basis. Although when you start to experience your own personal loss and grief, it’s something else. Something I can’t fully explain to you but it has this way of changing your life. For me, grief is bizarre each time but the overwhelming feeling of loss is real every time. That heart break when you’ve lost someone you love is encompassing, indescribable, unique, painful, numbing, I could go on. There’s no amount of preparation for when you lose someone you truly love.
Losing “A” six years ago made me realize today that a big part of me never really dealt with it. I thought I did but there’s still a part of me that knows it’s in that compartment with the door half ajar. “A” was so much more than a friend for me, we often called eachother sisters and when she passed, a little part of my heart went with her. We were destined to come into each others lives for a reason and I ask myself quite often what I think that reason is. So every time I saw “N”, her son, a little part of her lived on in him, he was the person that brought “A” and us together. Now “N” was one of a kind, every single part of him unique like no other. He was a boy of 10 years that went through more things in his lifetime that no child should endure and each time, he fought hard to beat the odds. He was the definition of a fighter and fought each challenge that came his way with integrity and grace.
Last week surrounded by friends and family, “N” joined his mama up in heaven – if there is a heaven, where I hope he’s in her loving arms. But as I look back on our time together, “N” was the reason we became family. We rode the highs and lows together, moved through life altering moments together, sat on the couch, ordered pizza and watched cheesy shows together and now sadly, he’s gone. I know that in my heart of hearts, he’s where he needs to be but this broken heart feeling is something no one can ever prepare you for. There’s no right or wrong to grief and there’s truly nothing anyone can say or do that makes any of it easier. You walk through the days as they come.